Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Even More of the Same

I haven't posted in quite awhile. And I haven't done it for the best of reasons: that things were going well and I didn't have a need for the outlet. Writing for me, usually, is about purging and analyzing. And when things are going well, I don't really need it.

But they're not going well now. I'm crying and hurting and confused and I don't really have anyone to call or talk to. Of the small handful I'd consider contacting, at 10:50p they're all most likely in bed. So I'll write. And hope it's enough for me to be able to get to sleep tonight.

I have horrible trust issues. I think that's pretty easily established. I am afraid of letting anyone in because it sets me up to be hurt and disappointed. And honestly? It's entirely justified.

Every relationship I've been in has ended in what, to me, was a surprise. I'll think things are going well enough (and I swear, the feedback I get tends to indicate it), and then, suddenly, I'll find that I'm too "honest" too "draining" too "caring" and I'm alone again.

I swear, is it just my imagination that there are people and relationships where the individuals involved talk about and try to work through/compromise about their differences?

I hate being alone. I hate it so so much. I don't understand why this all has to be so hard. It just... it just doesn't seem like it should be this hard.

And now my chest is tight and my heart is beating so fiercely and I just want to be ok. I want to stop hurting, stop wanting, stop needing. I want to know why it's so hard. And I want to know why so many people don't seem to struggle at this nearly as much as I do.

I want to wish I could die. I know it's unhealthy. But it's so fucking relieving to be able to think "Well, no matter how bad it gets, I'll have a way of ending it." But, honestly, I don't want to die. I want to live. I just want this pain to stop.

Bleh. Things shouldn't be so hard.