More of The Same
[I didn't do one of these for my birthday, and I guess I haven't written much in a pretty long time anyway. So! Here!]
2018’s been a weird little year. A year mostly of stabilization, after a lot of change. I feel like I’ve been running since I was 10; 3 years ago I finally starting collapsing. And now, I’m breathing a little and learning how to walk all over again.
It’s all pretty basic stuff. I have a pretty stable job. Parts of it I enjoy a fair bit (mostly the ones involving physical labor or distracting my coworkers from the work they should be doing [a role I have enjoyed since infancy]). I traveled a bit; I dated someone for a few months [my longest anything since starting grad school].
I’m more grounded. I have a couple of good friends. Which, honestly, is so so nice. I’ve always had good fortune to know many great people. But, last Friday, I just hung out with my housemate and we talked about our lives for awhile and then she said we were getting too serious and needed to laugh some so she farted and I died and it was just so *nice*. I have a coworkerfriend I eat lunch with every day and a coworkerfriend I talk about video games and play Overwatch with. And a few area-friends I see every once in awhile and we do fun things.
All pretty mundane stuff. But, for me, it feels really new. Like, I have some pretty healthy stable relationships. I talk to them, *about myself*. Not too neurotically, and with some restraint. I listen and respond to them. We ebb and flow. It feels nice. And sometimes I feel sad, that I haven’t been as successful at doing this with so many wonderful people I’ve met over the years. But I’m glad I’m starting now.
Other things have been pretty hard. A lot of my evenings, I just don’t do anything. Not even Netflix or video games. I just sit there and wonder what there really is *to do*. I have a strong yearning to do something, to make something, to go somewhere or live something. But I don’t know where to direct any of it, so it just kind of… goes in circles. Like I’m starving for something I can’t seem to find, and so am eating myself instead.
I think about things I wish I’d done differently. Sometimes productively, sometimes not. I see people with babies and careers and joie de vivre. And much of it still seems pretty impossible.
But I took an improv class, which was *amazing* (part 2 starts next week). I was honest with myself when dating that person and made some decisions with my mental health (and not my desperation for connection) as my first priority.
And when I visited home, I went on a walk through the woods with my mother. And I met her friends and swept her floor. And when I visited my grandmother (who lives alone in her 90s), I asked to see her wedding photos. And I saw my father at age 2 and my grandparents starting their own lives together. And she seemed genuinely happy I cared and genuinely happy she could revisit these times too.
So there are downs and there are ups. And I have so many things I want to change. And while some moments, I feel defeated by all the things I haven’t done, there are others where I am grateful (like a child who may not know where the next meal comes but is thankful to have one now).
***
I know New Years are generally about resolutions. But honestly, most of the things I want aren’t things I can “pledge to do.” I want more intimacy and consistency in my relationships. Despite my friendships, I do feel pretty lonely and want to have better connections. Figuring out how I’m playing into that disconnect is pretty hard and just work I’ll have to keep on doing. I want to have a more positive attitude and more energy to do more things. I want to watch a lot of movies and have a lot of conversations. I, mostly, want to enjoy life while feeling like I’m moving forwards in a meaningful way.
So, I dunno, pledge to keep going to therapy? lolol
Honestly, I guess, if I’m really looking at what has helped me feel better, I kind of want to resolve to keep trying to just do what I want?
I mentioned going to improv, and what was so great about it was just how much I liked it. I got to be emotive and creative, and I mostly just wished I could keep doing it every day all the time. I, predictably, had some fantasies about where that might go. But I was also just like, “I like this. Yay!”
I’m going to take a class on Gloria Anzaldua with some grad students and other faculty/staff. Because I want to. I’m going to take out trash and rearrange furniture at work, because it’s honestly great to be physically active and not have to think sometimes. Mostly, I just want to find more things where I think “I want to do this!”
So maybe that will continue to be my task. I’m pretty good at reflection and soul-searching and pushing myself to change and improve (to a FAULT). I’m just now learning how to enjoy life.
I don’t know. Here’s to that?
