Saturday, June 8, 2013

On Believing in Better

At the core of this malaise I'm in seem to be two core questions:

- Do I want to feel better?
- Do I believe I can feel better?

For the first, I think I'm increasingly accepting that I have to feel better if I'm going to be able to best be of value to others. Hell, I have to be of value to myself if I'm to most effectively be of value to others. Much of me doesn't want to, doesn't feel I deserve to, feels the prospect is terrifying and threatening, and it feels audacious to even say "It's ok for me to feel ok with myself." But deep down, I know this is the only path to everything I want in life.

However, the second question is more difficult. I've not directly engaged it here; I tend to focus upon "how to get better" as opposed to "do I believe better is possible?" Yet I think that second question is having a direct impact upon my ability to live the first question.

In short, emotionally, I don't believe I can feel better. I feel that no matter what I do/say/think, I will always fundamentally and irreparably flawed. In a word, I am "deficient." I mentioned this two posts ago, how this sense of inefficacy and hopelessness springs from my conviction that I simply cannot succeed. That's why it was such a victory to persist and overcome: it's just not something I typically do.

I'm sure an outsider observer might object, citing my transition as a particularly strong counterpoint. But I honestly don't think I've "overcome" anything. My most recent post is about how deeply ingrained my belief is that I'm not female. That I can never be female. That I shall always be a wretched impostor, incapable of being desired or loved. Or rather, if someone does desire me they are repressing their revulsion out of benevolent altruism and that my only ethical course of action would be for me to dissuade them from this charity.

I don't believe in myself. I don't believe I have what it takes, on an elemental level, to avoid the fate of my father: alone and miserable. I can devise all kinds of stratagems and theories, but ultimately I will fail. And when I fail, I will be abandoned or drive everyone away in the process.

If I really am going to get better, I have to believe it's possible. I have a few ideas about how to do that, but I want to sit with this for awhile. I've rushed into conviction far too much to know that I need to be patient with this.

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